Time and Self
Choosing a topic for this blog turned out to be more challenging than I expected. This might come across as vain or trivial, but it's also deeply vulnerable. I’ve allowed these thoughts to spiral for too long, and perhaps sharing them will bring some clarity.
Over the past few years, I’ve struggled with lingering thoughts about aging. It wasn’t something I recognized right away, but the realization dawned on me after watching the movie X in 2022. Aging is a central theme in the film, and hearing others’ interpretations of it prompted me to reflect more deeply on my own feelings. Some expressed concerns about potentially sharing the same feelings as the antagonists when they are older. According to Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development, the final stage of life is Integrity vs. Despair. At this stage, we reflect on our accomplishments and either develop a sense of integrity if we view our lives as meaningful or fall into despair if we feel regret for how we’ve lived. This stage is represented by one of the antagonists in the movie. She failed to achieve her vision of success and became trapped in desperate attempts to recapture what she felt she’d lost.
Reflecting on this, I initially believed I didn’t share the same fears about falling into despair later in life. I had so many hopes and aspirations. But over the past year, my mindset has shifted. Watching The Substance in 2024 helped me feel partially understood. It provided comfort in recognizing that some of my fears about aging stem from the experiences of living in a female body. As a woman, I’ve felt pressured to fulfill societal roles in a patriarchal system that often ties a woman’s value to unrealistic standards. This realization evoked mixed emotions.
On one hand, I was able to identify the roots of some of my fears. I’ve been conditioned to see youth as synonymous with beauty. On the other hand, I’ve spent much of my life trying to stay invisible by hiding my body and resisting feminine standards. Yet, despite this resistance, I still feel the dread of aging.
I haven’t achieved many of my goals. There are so many experiences I’ve longed for but haven’t pursued or accomplished, and the sense of time slipping away is overwhelming. However, I’m learning to remind myself that there are still ways to make a positive impact. Trying to stay invisible won’t lead me where I want to be. I’m allowed to take up space, and I’m allowed to continue exploring all the future versions of myself.
